Lil Papa’s Taco Bell Nightmare

Taco flat style icon. Vector illustration.

Don’t you love how convenient and quick fast food can be sometimes? Well the Taco Bell nestled at the intersection of Foster and Powell in Portland was neither convenient nor quick last night. After waiting in a drive through line of only five or six cars for forty-five minutes, I was thrown my lukewarm bag of knockoff Mexican cuisine and was sent on my way. In my hunger induced excitement I tore into my Quesarito mid route and to my horror realized it was full of sour cream. (I think sour cream is one of God’s biggest mistakes) Upon further inspection I also noticed I was missing a taco as well as my fries. So I then did what any mature twenty-three year old should do; screamed in rage and made an illegal U-turn to head back towards the restaurant.

Now back in my personal hell of a drive through line, I see two younger ladies. Let’s call them Pissed Off Girl #1 and #2. They’re noticeably irate, walking on foot passed all the cars up to the service window. This is when things get good. Pissed Off Girl #1 starts pounding on the window, yelling all sorts of colorful language at Taco Bell Lady till she opens the slider. Once the slider is open, Pissed Off Girl #2, with perfect accuracy and form, hurdles the boxes of food right through the window onto the employee. At this point, Taco Bell Lady, body half emerged from the slider window, is reaching for Pissed Off Girl #1 and #2 like she’s ready for a straight up battle royale. Luckily, Taco Bell employees seem to have experience in both burrito rolling and mitigation because the other employees were able to hold back Taco Bell Lady from getting physical with their dear patrons.

At this point, I’ve got a front row seat to the circus. I’m watching Pissed Off Girl #1 slowly turn into Slightly Frustrated Girl #1 as she works on getting refunded and apologizing for her friend throwing food, all while Pissed Off Girl #2 is still in full wrecking mode. Pissed Off Girl #2 is now pacing back and forth say at the top of her lungs, “Ugh! I’ma catch this case tonight, bruh. I swear it. I’m f****** done with this place, bruh. For real.” Pissed Off Girl #2 repeated this pacing and yelling combo for a little bit longer until Pissed Off Boyfriend screeches up in the beaten down early 2000’s bucket to   put an end to the ordeal. With the window down, Pissed Off Boyfriend let’s out a stern, “Get your asses in the car, we got babies at home!” which prompts the two ladies to throw up a choice finger or two and say, “we’ll be back tomorrow for our refund, b****!”

I don’t know if they ever made it back, but I may just have to go grab a taco or four tonight just in case.

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